Discernment

Here is something I wish I knew earlier:

You cannot help people who don’t help themselves. You cannot save them, you cannot give them a helping hand. If you do, sooner or later they are going to drag you down with them. So it’s not your fault nor your responsibility that they choose such a fate.

We all make choices. Yes some of us are born in more fortunate circumstances, but how we deal with them and how we act in our everyday lives to change it is still a personal choice. Some choices are big, such as choosing a career path for the foreseeable future, selling or buying a house, but some of them are small, including but not limited to answering messages or getting a snack. But every single choice we make impacts our future in one way or another. That’s why the best way to create the reality we want is before making any choice ask ourselves: does this bring me further or closer to where I want to be?

And everything I’m saying here may sound pretty self-explanatory to those of you who are self-aware. However, some people are really bad at accountability and self-reflection. They take no or barely any responsibility for their actions or their lives. But they are really good at complaining and blaming others for their misfortunes. Because it’s clearly the government, the neighbours, their coworkers, family, that random stranger on the street, and everyone else that is preventing them from living a better life, and certainly not their attitude, actions, and choices with undesired consequences.

But, being compassionate human beings as we are, when we see someone suffering, we sometimes feel the need to help. Especially when we notice that the problem is not that complicated and there are simple actions that can be done to climb out of current circumstances, whatever that may be. It’s like one, two, and poof – it’s fixed. Except usually that doesn’t happen. When we offer our help and it’s accepted, we sometimes end up doing all the work, going above and beyond, and then end up making explanations for such behavior or circumstances in our heads. Like, maybe they are tired, maybe they were brought up differently and may need a little more care and love, maybe they had a really bad day, this, maybe that. BUT. All we do is make up excuses for their lack of accountability, ability to show up, and especially the choice whether or not to show up, do some inner work, and do the right thing. Their standards are low. But by helping such people who show very little interest in their own well-being, we are only enabling the continuation of such low standards and behavior, and end up putting more effort into resolving their problems than they do. And that’s exactly why we lose our energy and later on, in some cases, even start to doubt our own reality.

So this is just a reminder for everyone out there, and myself, when being asked for help, or when proactively providing help, take our time and really look at people’s behavior. Look at their lifestyle, how they spend their free time. Where they direct their attention. Look at how they talk to themselves and others. Ask them questions, see how invested they are in their own well-being, in their own life. And then, only then, decide to lend a helping hand.

And remember, when you see barely any signs of life, sparkle in their eyes, or willingness to take action, keep your both hands by your side and walk away. Allow them to face the consequences of their actions (or inactions), go under the deep waters, and drown. Because only when they reach the very bottom, they will discover their strength and ignite their inner hero, allowing them to save themselves and blossom.

Discernment is the greatest gift you’ve got. Use it wisely.